Prompt: Fear!

Fear

These are the voices which we hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world. Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Is fear holding you back from living your fullest life and being truly self expressed? Put yourself in the shoes of the you who’s already lived your dream and write out the answers to the following:
1. Is the insecurity you’re defending worth the dream you’ll never realize? or the love you’ll never venture? or the joy you’ll never feel?
2. Will the blunder matter in 10 years? Or 10 weeks? Or 10 days? Or 10 minutes?
3. Can you be happy being anything less than who you really are?
4. Now Do. The Thing. You Fear.

This is so interesting as my friend wrote about her backspace key breaking  here and not being able to go back which meant living with the belief that now matters and you have to move forward. I wrote a comment on it and my take on this is that I "JUMP" into things after careful thought but then I jump. 

Here is my response to her post which gets to the fear...Love the fact that you question not being able to go back when in reality we can’t. Only movie stars, politicians, and historians somehow have figured out how to time travel. Live with a child for a short amount of time and you will realize you cannot take it back or go back or back pedal once it has come flying out of your mouth or and action has taken place. It will be there forever. Good or bad. So 10 minutes, 10 seconds, 10 days, it's all there and children live without fear. I try to live without fear and then I did for a few years which mean I lived without moving forward which essentially could have been moving backward.
Over the past five years I have made so many choices about moving forward without looking back or as I call it “JUMPING” that in hindsight wish I could become revisionist about only one piece but the rest was destined to happen no matter what I did short of not experiencing the entire piece. So I would have lost all for want of removing one bit. Interestingly as I feel that one piece that is going to haunt us right now and makes me a bit sick is also healing us as I have to tell more and more people the reason it is haunting us.
(this has to do with house in LA and getting away from the very very bad people).

Afraid to Do Prompt

Afraid to Do


The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.”

1. What is ‘too scary’ to write about?
2. Try doing it now

This is easy. I've written about it over on my personal blog and here . I was so afraid to talk of the discrimination, hatred and anger that plagued Wyatt and I for three long years in Los Angeles. I was afraid to let people know that our lives were terrorized by our neighbors. I was more than willing to admit that it was my choice, my fault, my problem, and all my fault. I wasn't willing to admit that someone lied to us, someone willing was breaking the law and we were getting screwed in the process, that we were the ones being discriminated against and that for all our priviledge we still were the ones in the right even though according to others  the sense of entitlement (and trust me it was) by the neighbors was wrong.
We are white. They were black. They were the worst kind of black. They were gang members. They paid off the police. They sold drugs, smoked and did drugs, had incredibly loud pay for entrance parties, bullied the neighbors into accepting their behavior, drank all day, and off course cried poor. Any time the police actually showed up to break up one of the parties at 2, 3 or 4am on a weekday they would say it was a FUNERAL! AND then we were expected to be respectful! I would have been if it weren't one every other day for 3 years. At the end of all of this I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as threats on my life and my family were made, my son was diagnosed with sleep deprivation, and my marriage was crumbling from the stress.
 
The other scary thing to write about is that I believe in population control. This tends to piss people off. It isn't that I don't think people shouldn't have children, it's just that I don't think people should be having more than one if they can't emotionally, physically, financially or educationally afford it. Many can't.
That is all.

Emerson Prompt: Five Years

Five Years


"There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour." – Ralph Waldo Emerson

1. What would you say to the person you were five years ago?
2. What will you say to the person you’ll be in five years?

I could be scared. I could go on for ages about this one. I could say lots of things but I think it comes down to what I told myself throughout the five years that I just lived through.
 
I would tell myself the following:
You are about to live through the most amazing adventure that is just 1/8th of your life time by the time you are done with it. It may seem like it won't end at times and seem like you won't survive at times. Remember the three things that have always been true that your mother taught you at an early age.
a) You will survive because you are strong but you need to ask for help
b) It won't be easy and it will be fun at times and it will be hard. Try to learn, forgive and move through it.
c) Save some money
 
I would say to the person I will be in the next five years is more a series of questions rather than statements:
Is there where I really thought I would end up? Do you still remember when Wylie was on the verge of being in kindergarten and how intently we worried about his education?
You are still beautiful and kind and wonderful. Five years ago you were in the middle of an evolutionary period and you still are.

The Fairfax County Library

We finally are card carrying members of the Fairfax County Library! Wylie and I made our first visit last night and were very much impressed with the selection at the regional branch. We were also much impressed with the hours the libraries keep which are as follows:
Regional Branches: MWF 1pm to 9pm T/TH 10am to 6pm Saturday and Sunday hours (can't remember)
Local Branches: MWF 10am to 6pm T/TH 1pm to 9pm Saturday hours Sunday closed
Do you see that! They toggle the hours so that every day several libraries are open late rather than what the lovely LAPL did which was close all of them at 5pm on the same day.

Some interesting features of the FCLP:
1. A big bonus of the FCLP Wylie can have his own library card! He can sign his name so he can have his own card.
2. We can also have up to 50 items out for up to 3 weeks!
3. Self Checkout counter just like at the supermarket. We go scan our card and then scan each book. At the end if we want a receipt we ask for one and it prints just like at the gas station.
4. Wyatt has been a big user of the library the past few weeks as he works on development of his course modules and the local branches have quiet rooms and study carrels.

So here are the books of the week!

For the kiddo:

1. Art and Max-A great story about two lizards and the definition of painting  and the definition of words. Lots of fun and laughter in this one.
2. Mac and Cheese--Two cats who are friends. One likes to be bouncy and one likes to be quiet but they are the best of friends. This is an I can read book and I see Wylie picking out words. :)
3. Detective LaRue : letters from the investigation --An old favorite of Wylie's and he was so excited to know that the "New" library had this series. These are letters written by a dog to his owner about events that occur with the background images telling the truth the dog is not necessarily covering! Lots of fun.

For the grownup (some selections with the help of Wylie)
1. Grandma's Wartime Baking Book: World War II and the way we baked--Wylie was adamant we pick this up. It's a very interesting read about conservation, thrift and nutrition. Lots of yummy recipes and Wylie is anxious to try them.
2. American Tomato: The Complete guide to Growing and Using Tomatoes--Another one Wylie wanted to get as "we are growing over 20 tomatoes so we need to know more." Lots on the origin of certain varieties and cross polination etc.
3. Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life--This is a Barbara Kingsolver memoir of a year of food in her life after a move from one state to another. Haven't started it but it looked interesting.
4. Corduroy Mansions--This is a new one from Alexander McCall Smith author of the Number1 Ladies Detective Agency series. This one set in London with a crazy set of characters all with their own goofy beliefs and trappings keeping them from seeing the world walking by outside the building they live in.

We are very happy to be bak on line in the library!

Prompt: DARE TO BE BOLD or in this case a little Mello

Dare to be bold

Our arts, our occupations, our marriages, our religion, we have not chosen, but society has chosen for us. We are parlour soldiers. We shun the rugged battle of fate, where strength is born. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Next to Resistance, rational thought is the artist or entrepreneurs worst enemy. Bad things happen when we employ rational thought, because rational thought comes from the ego. Instead, we want to work from the Self, that is, from instinct and intuition, from the unconscious.

A child has no trouble believing the unbelievable, nor does the genius or the madman. Its only you and I, with our big brains and our tiny hearts, who doubt and overthink and hesitate.” - Steven Pressfield, Do the Work

The idea of “being realistic” holds all of us back. From starting a business or quitting a job to dating someone who may not be our type or moving to a new place – getting “real” often means putting your dreams on hold.

Today, let’s take a step away from rational thought and dare to be bold.

1. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to accomplish but have been afraid to pursue?

2. The obstacles in your way of reaching your goal.

3.The Tangible plan to overcome each obstacle.

The only thing left is to, you know, actually go make it happen. What are you waiting for?

The above image is what I have always wanted to accomplish and NO I didn't want to build one!

I have always wanted to learn the cello. Always. I love the tone, the intensity, the melancholy mixed with fire sounds it can make and how they never sound the same from one instrument to the next. You need to find the one that matches you. I have ALWAYS wanted to learn. Did you get that?!

The obstacles I faced were in waves and mostly I could have overcome them but other opportunities that are paving/paved the way for learning the cello came along.

As a child: My parents did not want a stringed instrument other than the piano in the home which is not to say I didn't have other instruments to learn (tin whistle, coronet, french horn). I also had dancing which took up three days a week.

As a teenager: I was into marching band learning the mellophone (marching french horn), theater, art club, drafting club as well as being a teenager. I also had dancing which took up two days a week. The grade school and high school did not have an orchestra so I had no outlet.

As an adult: I admit I was scared. It was one of those things I really wanted to do but just couldn't get past the "I'm [insert current age] and the cello takes years to learn and master, I'd just be a hack on my own without a group to enjoy the amazing smash together of sound that creates the music that develops the personality of the cello." Was I scared or what? I also faced the obvious obstacles of money, ownership/rental, finding a teacher, etc.

As for developing a tangible plan. This feels too simple, too easy but this must be the rational taking over by saying "Go google a music shop, find a teacher, rent an instrument, learn. It is what you did when you decided to run a marathon..." So here is my plan:

1. Listen to some great cello solos with Wylie. See how he reacts and how I react.

2. Visit local music shops to scope out class prices, rental costs and teacher quality.

3. Check out the local community college to see if they have beginner classes that might get me into a beginner group or something like that.

4. Go tot he library and find a book on the histroy and development of the cello for both me and for Wylie. Heck if I am learning so will he.

5. Take a trial class and see if it feels as magical as I expect?!

Prompt Day 5: Coming Alive

Come Alive

Life wastes itself while we are preparing to live. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
1.If you had one week left to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now?
2.In what areas of your life are you preparing to live?
3. Take them off your To Do list and add them to a To Stop list. Resolve to only do what makes you come alive.
Bonus: How can your goals improve the present and not keep you in a perpetual “always something better” spiral?

I like this one! Here are some pictorial views of what I would keep doing that I do now. 

 1. Exploring different foods and recipes with Wylie such as goat milk chocolate pudding pops from scratch that were messy but Chocolate Yumminess. We have also done carrot blueberry bread, chicken nugget soup, strawberry bread, zucchini quesadillas, etc

 2. Spend time with my family exploring the world. Seeing what the wrath of nature leaves behind, seeing what the crash of the ocean sounds like and the feel of sand is like. We also have experienced rain storms and snow and forests when most people avoid them for inconvenience or lack of comfort. We learn and have fun. As a family it is something I cherish and wouldn't change for the world.

3. Enjoying the moments like the one here where I am smiling and happy. Experience moments that my child has never experienced and see them through his eyes. Never take for granted his experience as "old hat."

I think I was preparing to live when we were in California for awhile in the house in Jefferson Park as we were in some kind of hunker down and survive mode rather than live mode. We got out of that house choosing to live rather than survive and started to live. What an earth shattering difference. I also refuse to sit and look back on happy moments and judge those few moments based on my weight or perceived beauty at the moment. In that house I also thought I could wait to make friends when I felt we had resolved the situation well enough to have friend over. BIG BIG mistake. 

The one area in which we are "preparing" to live is finding a house to live in as we try to find the right one. This isn't so much about preparing to live as making sure we are living safely and sanely. But it has put parts of us on hold.
I am reaching out and making friends now. Asking for coffee dates, making the effort to go places and do things.
My goals are present and future related. I'm always trying to learn something that gives me a goal for the present and the future.

Prompt Day 4

Today is an easy one
"If we live truly, we shall see truly." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Not everyone wants to travel the world but most people can identify at least one place in the world they'd like to visit before they die.

1. Where is that place you would like to go?
2.What will you do to make sure you get there?

This one is easy! I am an arm chair traveler as everyone knows so I have my places but I have the one in particular.
AFRICA
I really want to go see the vast ecological differences of the African continent--the darkness of the northern countries, the lush tropics of the eastern countries, and then the beautiful savannahs of Botswana. There is so much to that continent of war and peace, of desert and mountain, of women presidents and female mutilation, of slavery and freedom. It is an amazing and complicated place. I've traveled there in my mind and in books and in movies and documentaries many times.

I will get there. I saved up once to get there and bought a house instead?! I saved up again and went to graduate school. I believe I am waiting until I am ready to understand Africa which I believe will be soon. Too early and all you see is heartache, too late and you miss the beauty that includes the heartache. I just turned 40. I will save up and go when I am 50. I will!